Directapalooza: Toiling

I've finally figured out what I've been feeling for the last couple of days ... it's my old, old, old companion -- Fear.

When I started this "Directapalooza" thing, I thought there was a good chance that I would get overwhelmed and edgey. a little strung out from working so hard for so long. And some of that has happened, but what's really come up is fear.

The first two shows I just did. I threw myself into them with drive and confidence. Now ... I guess it's the feeling like I can't keep working at this level this long without screwing something up. And with two shows to go, both challenging and full-length, plus the play that I've written going up at the same time ... that's a lot of irons in the fire, a lot of people depending on me. I don't do well with a lot of people depending on me.

I'm not behind on anything yet ... but I'm right on the edge. If something comes up, I'm screwed. If I get sick, if I get hurt, if an emergency happens that I have to deal with, it'll just throw everything into a spin. Of course, that isn't the real threat. If some big emergency comes down, I could back out of some committments and people would be disappointed but understanding ... maybe. No, the real threat is if something I'm doing gets more difficult than I expect it to be, if something starts demaning more time and energy. Then I'll be the frog in the slowly boiling pot. Like yesterday ...

My wineshop boss announced last week (or maybe that's just when I noticed it) that we were doing inventory this past Sunday, a time that I would normally have had off. I went in in the morning and left in the early afternoon. With an evening rehearsal, most of that day was shot, a day I was going to use to get other stuff done. I can't have too many things like that.

So, I'm starting to end and face each day with a creeping dread. Not good.

I'd better go. I didn't plan time for blogging this morning.