Bugged
Just how many bugs does one field really need to have? I'm serious. I know that human overpopulation is a serious issue, but has anyone taken time to count all the things that fizz, flit, and fly around, say, the Barboursville Ruins in the course of an evening? They are multitude.
And why, I ask you, why do almost all of them have to bite or sting or whatever the hell they do and leave itchy welts? I've got so many little itchy bumps and scabs on me; I've got two marks on my arm ... I don't even know what the hell they are.
And don't even mention bug spray! I've been wearing bug spray! In fact, I've been injesting it! No, really it's simple to do. Kindly cast member gives me some trailmix or popcorn or something to keep me from starving. Kindly cast member sprays my legs or arms or something exposed. Evil bug lands there anyway. I swat or scratch sprayed area. I reach for my next fingerful of rehearsal snack/dinner ... and it has this strange taste of Deet that it didn't have before. And now I'm thinking, "Great! The stuff doesn't affect the bugs, but it'll put me into the hospital and we're still only on the first act!"
And all this because for some reason, something that is 3000% smaller than I ... what? ... feels the need to defend itself? Where, oh sweet Goddess of Rationality, is the sense in that? It's like,
"Hey, whatcha' doing, oh Anonymous Natural Creative Force of the Universe?"
"I'm making a little tree bug with camoflage so that it blends into the bark."
"Nice spot work."
"Thanks. I was proud of that myself."
"Don't forget to give it a venom so potent, it can annoy the hell out of a very fat man."
"Is there room?"
"Well, you've got to make room."
"But why?"
"I don't know. Maybe it'll need to defend itself."
Yeah, right. If not for the risk of burning itching, I might find myself saying, "Hey, you know what would go great on this salad? Some of those itty-bitty tree bugs. You know, the ones you can barely see?" or "Hey, pass me those flying ants. They really add spice to a steak!"
Flying ants! Why the hell do ants need to fly, and why, on top of that, do they need to bite? Of course, that's only the first wave, the pre-dusk onslaught. There's a wonderous few minutes of respite at sunset when the first shift goes home and the second shift comes to clock in to work. Must be traffic.
As night falls, we switch from flying-biting-stinging to flying-huge-annoying. It's moths and beetles, big as dirigibles, attracted by the light and apparently drunk off their asses as they can't seem to fly straight to save their souls. They land in your script. They bump into your head. They fly into your popcorn bag. Don't these things have natural preditors? Aren't there bats or small owls or something that are supposed to be able noiselessy swoop down and pluck these things out of the air? Oh, and I'm just waiting for the arachnids - the spiders and fleas and ticks, oh my! I think they're holding back until Tech Week.
Can you believe at one time I said I wanted to be a naturalist? Well, screw that! Gimme shelter! Nature is overrated. No wait ... it's mis-rated. It should be rated B for "Bzzzzzzz -- swat!"
And why, I ask you, why do almost all of them have to bite or sting or whatever the hell they do and leave itchy welts? I've got so many little itchy bumps and scabs on me; I've got two marks on my arm ... I don't even know what the hell they are.
And don't even mention bug spray! I've been wearing bug spray! In fact, I've been injesting it! No, really it's simple to do. Kindly cast member gives me some trailmix or popcorn or something to keep me from starving. Kindly cast member sprays my legs or arms or something exposed. Evil bug lands there anyway. I swat or scratch sprayed area. I reach for my next fingerful of rehearsal snack/dinner ... and it has this strange taste of Deet that it didn't have before. And now I'm thinking, "Great! The stuff doesn't affect the bugs, but it'll put me into the hospital and we're still only on the first act!"
And all this because for some reason, something that is 3000% smaller than I ... what? ... feels the need to defend itself? Where, oh sweet Goddess of Rationality, is the sense in that? It's like,
"Hey, whatcha' doing, oh Anonymous Natural Creative Force of the Universe?"
"I'm making a little tree bug with camoflage so that it blends into the bark."
"Nice spot work."
"Thanks. I was proud of that myself."
"Don't forget to give it a venom so potent, it can annoy the hell out of a very fat man."
"Is there room?"
"Well, you've got to make room."
"But why?"
"I don't know. Maybe it'll need to defend itself."
Yeah, right. If not for the risk of burning itching, I might find myself saying, "Hey, you know what would go great on this salad? Some of those itty-bitty tree bugs. You know, the ones you can barely see?" or "Hey, pass me those flying ants. They really add spice to a steak!"
Flying ants! Why the hell do ants need to fly, and why, on top of that, do they need to bite? Of course, that's only the first wave, the pre-dusk onslaught. There's a wonderous few minutes of respite at sunset when the first shift goes home and the second shift comes to clock in to work. Must be traffic.
As night falls, we switch from flying-biting-stinging to flying-huge-annoying. It's moths and beetles, big as dirigibles, attracted by the light and apparently drunk off their asses as they can't seem to fly straight to save their souls. They land in your script. They bump into your head. They fly into your popcorn bag. Don't these things have natural preditors? Aren't there bats or small owls or something that are supposed to be able noiselessy swoop down and pluck these things out of the air? Oh, and I'm just waiting for the arachnids - the spiders and fleas and ticks, oh my! I think they're holding back until Tech Week.
Can you believe at one time I said I wanted to be a naturalist? Well, screw that! Gimme shelter! Nature is overrated. No wait ... it's mis-rated. It should be rated B for "Bzzzzzzz -- swat!"
posted by - caj at 9:51 AM
4 Comments:
Stan Ridgway called his album "Mosquitos".
"That mosquito on the windshield don't give a damn about... Christmastime."
It's not Rock * Paper * Scissors in the animal world you know. There's enough rungs on the evolutionary ladder to build you a stairway to heaven.
Good luck living through the pain!
:)Lee
You would appreciate our friend Stacy's decision process. As a first-year archeology grad student, she did fieldwork in Guatemala. After her return from the rainforest, she switched her focus of study to pre-colonial ruins in Peru. The high, cold, bug-free deserts of Peru. Note the BUG-FREE quality: very important in her decision-making for where she wanted to be spending her life doing fieldwork... she's a very smart womyn.
I called myself the itchiest person on earth the summer we were in C'ville. I found that the Burt's Bees fly spray (plesant lemon balm scent, too) and the Burts Bees Itch Soap (whatever it is really called) were the best produts out there. The best itch cream I found was a natural one called Natural Harmony. Now I tried all the heavy chemical hydrocortizone hitters, but this stuff did the job the best ever.
xo,
Annaliese
so cj, how did opening weekend go??? post something, damn you!!!
-equiring minds want to know...
xoxonif
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