Suspicions
I'm not sure, but I have the feeling that something is wrong with my email. I can only pinpoint one message that hasn't reached me, but I think there may be more. I don't know. I'm trying to pin it down and be sure.
That's it. Not much more to report. I'm at home all day except for the occasional errand. (Score!) Can't I just retire and drop away from the world now? Times like this make me think that I could take to a monk's life really well ... as long as I had a high speed Internet connection, Netflix, and Diablo II ... oh, and didn't have to do all that praying and believing in a god stuff. Maybe there's a story in that ... the Suburban Monestary. And the order would be the Celestial Brotherhood of Spiritual Apathy and Recreational Comfort. I think we'd make beer.
Anyway it's not all DVDs and computer games for me yet. I spend my days waiting for the next edits of my thesis to come back and fighting my job employment phobia. And though I suspect it's not actually strong enough to be one, I'm looking at it as a phobia these days. At first I thought it was that I just wasn't experienced at getting jobs. Then I thought it was that I just wasn't good at it. Then I thought it was that I was applying for jobs that I didn't really want. Then I thought it was that I was trying for jobs I wasn't qualified for.
Now, here I am trying to get jobs I really want for which, theoretically, I've trained over the last three years, and every step of the process for me is still frought with near-crippling anxiety. What if I get nothing? What if after three years I'm still not good enough to be hired? What if I'm out on the street? What if I let my friends and everyone who's supported me down? What if ... what if ... etc., etc. [Sigh!] What a freak. Is it like this for everyone? I suspect not, but of course, I don't know.
Some friends took me to brunch last weekend in exchange for me helping them to run lines. (Actually, they know I would've helped without the brunch. Most likely they took me to brunch 'cause they're my friends, and they were doing something nice for me. Anyway ...) One of them talked about how he wanted to hang around this summer, make some money, and then move up to NYC to try his hand at theatre up there. I marvelled at how casually he could just throw off the concept of picking up some summer employment like it was nothing, like there's something that he gets that's not getting through to me. I suspect that his world is certainly not mine.
That's it. Not much more to report. I'm at home all day except for the occasional errand. (Score!) Can't I just retire and drop away from the world now? Times like this make me think that I could take to a monk's life really well ... as long as I had a high speed Internet connection, Netflix, and Diablo II ... oh, and didn't have to do all that praying and believing in a god stuff. Maybe there's a story in that ... the Suburban Monestary. And the order would be the Celestial Brotherhood of Spiritual Apathy and Recreational Comfort. I think we'd make beer.
Anyway it's not all DVDs and computer games for me yet. I spend my days waiting for the next edits of my thesis to come back and fighting my job employment phobia. And though I suspect it's not actually strong enough to be one, I'm looking at it as a phobia these days. At first I thought it was that I just wasn't experienced at getting jobs. Then I thought it was that I just wasn't good at it. Then I thought it was that I was applying for jobs that I didn't really want. Then I thought it was that I was trying for jobs I wasn't qualified for.
Now, here I am trying to get jobs I really want for which, theoretically, I've trained over the last three years, and every step of the process for me is still frought with near-crippling anxiety. What if I get nothing? What if after three years I'm still not good enough to be hired? What if I'm out on the street? What if I let my friends and everyone who's supported me down? What if ... what if ... etc., etc. [Sigh!] What a freak. Is it like this for everyone? I suspect not, but of course, I don't know.
Some friends took me to brunch last weekend in exchange for me helping them to run lines. (Actually, they know I would've helped without the brunch. Most likely they took me to brunch 'cause they're my friends, and they were doing something nice for me. Anyway ...) One of them talked about how he wanted to hang around this summer, make some money, and then move up to NYC to try his hand at theatre up there. I marvelled at how casually he could just throw off the concept of picking up some summer employment like it was nothing, like there's something that he gets that's not getting through to me. I suspect that his world is certainly not mine.
posted by - caj at 9:56 AM
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